Creating Coaching Cultures

Choosing Between Judgment and Change

We want to change the things that bother us the most. We don’t need to look too far to find people and situations we feel are overdue for an overhaul, such as the myopic turf wars that limit our opportunities to collaborate, chauvinistic leadership styles that don’t honor the value in diversity, or the self-centered leader who puts his own welfare above that of the people he is supposed to serve.  These are all things that legitimately make us angry and upset.  We want to see them changed.

Here’s the thing.  You may first need to change yourself before you are able to truly create lasting change in the people and situations that bother you most. That’s because you cannot change what you are judging.

Think about it. How do you feel when someone judges you? Are you willing to bend in that person’s direction and change your behavior to satisfy that person’s desire for you to be different? I doubt it. It’s more likely you will judge the person in return for judging you.  You will fire up your defense mechanisms of choice and the cycle of judgment begins. Once the cycle gets started, it can be very difficult to stop.

Here’s how the cycle works. Judgment springs from fear. We fear the things that we don’t understand, don’t know how to change and are concerned can threaten us in some way.  When we judge something we are afraid of it allows us to feel separate from whatever it is. Because judgment springs from fear, we respond to our judgments in the same ways we respond to fear – fight or flight.  When we respond with fight we attack the other person or situation, directly or indirectly, often in hurtful ways that enable us to feel safely superior. If we choose to flee what we are judging, we give ourselves permission to dismiss the person or situation as hopeless and walk away. In either case, we have forfeited any chance of playing a meaningful part in creating change.

Authentic Influence

The role of the change agent is not an easy one. Often the people who see the possibilities for change are different in some ways from the culture in which they work. These differences are often what make them so valuable as change agents.

There is an old saying in consulting: “Watch out for the organization antibodies.” Just as in a physical body, there are antibodies in organizations that neutralize things that seem threatening or different. If you appear to be too different– particularly if you are threatening to create change – you too can be neutralized.

What to do? We want to be ourselves and we want to make a difference.  Do we hide the parts of ourselves we aren’t sure others will appreciate or can even handle, or do we dare to be different and risk the consequences?

The key is to use your authenticity to influence others, not alienate them.  It can be a fine line to walk that requires a certain level of self mastery. Authenticity is not a choice between “telling everyone how it is” or remaining silent. Influence comes from being relevant and real.  

Here are a few guidelines for igniting change through authentic influence:

The Atlas Complex

One of the first lessons that coaches need to learn is that they can’t carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.  Often, with their deep desire to make a difference, coaches will take on responsibilities that rightfully belong to their clients.  When clients don’t take the actions they committed to take, coaches may feel like their coaching “weren’t good enough.”  Rather than calling the client on the broken commitment, they may feel guilty or inadequate as a coach.  And then they try even harder.  This doesn’t serve the client or the coach.  

The same dynamic shows up for imaginal cells -- people who are guiding organizations to evolve to coaching cultures. (See the 09.09.09 blog entry, Invitation for more information on imaginal cells.)  People who are guiding these large change efforts can burn out quickly if they are not effectively engaging their organizations in the transformation process.

Here are some signs that you may have an “Atlas complex” – the desire to carry the weight of the entire change effort on your back:

• You find yourself cajoling people to take any kind of action – and then picking up the pieces when they don’t, rather than having a deeper conversation about their commitment to create meaningful change
• You feel overwhelmed by all of the activities you’ve got going and underwhelmed by the response from the organization
• You seem to care about creating change a whole lot more than almost anyone else, and at times, this may make you feel upset, misunderstood and / or unappreciated

Invitation

As the CEO of Cylient I often work with people who are keenly interested in evolving the cultures of their organizations to be more flexible, collaborative, responsive and vital.  Places where people feel valued and inspired to contribute their creative energy towards achieving something that makes a difference. 

I call these people who seek to create cultural change “imaginal cells.”  Imaginal cells are the cells that begin the “rewiring” process that changes the DNA of the caterpillar to transform into a butterfly.  The first imaginal cells begin to find each other and clump together, creating a threshold for change.  See this link for a more detailed explanation of the role of the imaginal cell in the transformation process:  http://www.cadi.ph/Editorials/Editorial_Butterfly_Effect.htm

Imaginal cells can reside in many different places in organizations.  They are not necessarily the most senior people or the recognized thought leaders, although they may play those roles.  They are the people who see that how we’re working isn’t always working.  And they want to do something about it.